Is this a Dream???

No it's not! This morning I looked in the mirror and saw that the skin looked worse. I decided to call my plastic surgeon in stead of waiting til my Thursday appointment. I said I was concerned that the area that was radiated didn't look to good. When I met with her today she instantly said "OMG you have to get that expander out I can see it! " I froze. I said "WHAT! you can see it? " Why didn't I see it? She said because I know what to look for and this probably happened today! I broke down an started crying....All this reconstruction for NOTHING! I should have just let my breast be taken with out trying to make it look somewhat normal. It's just not worth it! Now that my skin has been radiated it looks so bad that I don't believe It will ever look normal. Is having a breast really worth this?



So the plan is to take out my expander that I have had in since my mastectomy, cut out all the burnt skin, sew me up (without a breast now) and wait for me to heal which can take up to 6 months or longer! After I heal I will then need a skin graft which she will cut skin from my back and attached to the breast that is so badly damaged. Hopefully my radiated tissue will not reject this and I can get this *%@) THING OVER WITH!



I immediately wanted to get mad at my radiologist! Thinking why didn't he watch me closer but in the end my Plastic Surgeon said this is how I reacted to the radiation and more than likely this was going to happen even if I was checked everyday! Radiation is the gift that keeps on giving.... Even though Radiation stopped 4 weeks ago in that area my skin continues to react the way it should by getting rid of the cancer cells. Breaking down the tissue until there is NOTHING!!! So this is the Cons of choosing to have reconstruction while going through Chemo and Radiation. Would I have chosen a different treatment plan? Probably so. This is to much just to have a breast!



My hopes are that I heal quickly and that my doctor can save as much skin as she can tomorrow. So for now I just have to know that things happen for a reason and for me this is what I have to deal in my life for now. Do I like it? Not at all but life is never going to be perfect. I know that and have learned so much with this challenge. I cant look back... I have to move forward...Several months ago I would not be able to write these words! Mentally and Spiritually I was much worse then my mutilate skin.



Again, You all who are constantly checking on me know that you are loved by me and that you will be blessed personally by the love you share with me. I will keep you posted after I recover tomorrow. Until then Love to you all...